Saturday 2 June 2012

Advertising Feature

PH3 Surgical Services

Blood-letting, facial re-alignment and much more!

PH3 Surgical Services has a long reputation for providing traditional medical solutions.  Consider our famous hangover remedy using a special medicinal compound, lager, introduced to the body rapidly through medical equipment used in conventional medicine for removing fluids from the body.  Then there is our famed annual psychological therapy for the shy and retiring, known as the Jingle Bells Hash.

All our products are prepared with scientific precision and all treatment is carefully monitored by a big group of hashers in baggy old clothes.  A typical session may be as follows:  familiar to users of medical facilities in Portugal and the UK, surgery opens when there is a large number of people waiting about impatiently, stamping feet and coughing intemperately.  The doctors, barely qualified fresh and keen, on this occasion Granny Gobbler and Deep Throat (whose specialities may be suggested by their names) along with Deep Throat's practice partner, Dr Miguel, take charge, issuing directions to the patients.

First up is treatment for those suffering from Stiff Limb Syndrome or Chronic Lethargy, two conditions prevalent among our clients.  Generally, we eschew new-fangled, faddy ideas such as warming-up, stretching and the like, going instead for a form of shock-therapy.  On this occasion, having given the sufferers time to wander around aimlessly (a cunning piece of Psychology designed to give them the notion that they know what they are doing, known as the first checkpoint), Dr Miguel called the way and they had to get their bodies moving and blood pumping over a series of drawn-out runs up hill and down dale.  There were some patients on this occasion reluctant to take this particular treatment, but for most the benefits were soon evident in red faces and streams of toxin-releasing perspiration.

Next on the healing programme is the famed blood-letting treatment, honed over many years and pioneered by former head surgeon, Chalky.  Based on mediaeval know-how, this concerns removal of disease, infection, and other nasty stuff through the release of excess blood, and can be done in a variety of ways.  Lacking a ready supply of leeches, this week's trio of medics used the tried and tested bramble-and-thorn method and it was not long before several of the patients had healthy streams of blood on their shins - another successful treatment for PH3.

Alcohol Dependancy was addressed in innovative fashion when the assembled patients, most of whom clearly suffered from this particular condition, having been hauled from Azurara to Vila do Conde, then to the beach and showing visible signs of withdrawl sweats, were brought to the door of a cafe that, they were told, would serve them with beer.  However, the door was firmly shut, forcing the crowd to confront their issue in the only way possible - running away.  It might be argued that the running simply served to get them all the more quickly to an alternative source of beer, but it kept them off the stuff for at least twenty minutes.

After the initial exertions, which took about an hour and three quarters, the relaxation therapy took place, with picnic food and substantial quantities of Vinho Verde consumed at the home of two of our worst sufferers, Titchy Percy and Gender Bender (their afflictions speak for themselves, poor things).  Considerable sun was provided for those who had signed up for the Make My Skin Red treatment, then to complement the International Picnic there was a therapeutic International Dispute over the rules/merits of Rounders and Baseball. 

At PH3 Surgical Services we encourage patients to take the initiative in their treatment and so it was for one of our long-termers, Snorter, who was to be the subject of our latest medical venture:  facial reconstruction.

Facial Reconstruction the PH3 way!  No expensive surgery needed.  No scalpels, no chloroform, only a few little scars.

As Snorter himself says, "It was all so easy.  All I had to do was stand behind someone who had drunk lots of wine and was swinging a eucalyptus branch at a small ball, then wait for her to miss the ball and throw the branch at my face.  Some years ago I sustained a hockey injury that altered my previous, handsomely symmetrical features.  Now I have a straight nose again, and it's all thanks to PH3 Surgical Services.  Thanks, PH3! 

So, for all your medical needs, physical and mental, PH3 is the choice for you.  Special Surgery opens next weekend, from Friday to Sunday in Povoa do Lanhoso.

On, on.